Chapter News

Women Continue To Dominate the DC MGA

At first it was cute. Women had joined the DC MGA, and they brought fun, diversity, and a dramatic increase in the “Good Looks” department to the chapter. They joined in the low-brow jokes, they made fun of their shitty golf games, and they mostly just rolled with it. But that’s all changed. Things are getting weird. Things are getting gross. In fact, things are getting pretty fucking out of hand, and now they must be stopped.

On June 19, Karen Larson, who claimed her third MGA title last month, had the goddamn balls to go out and follow that victory up with another at the F. U. Open. And not only did she win, she did so shooting a personal-best 86 after make a quadruple bogey 8 on the opening hole, which included a penalty stroke when she sent her drive into the pond and four-putt the green.

But note that I said women (plural) had joined the MGA... In addition to Karen’s outright bullshit, Lauren Haspert decided to pile on. At the 12th hole, site of our closest to the pin contest, Lauren decided to pure an iron to 36’ (yes—feet, not inches; we ARE mediocre after all) and take down the $150 prize. Then, with her playing partners watching and the foursome behind looking on, she rolls in the putt for her FIRST EVER BIRDIE! Fast forward to the 16th, where Lauren decided to literally do the same shit again:  tee shot to 36 feet, bury another meagle. And just to top it off, she posted a 106—a personal record, just like Karen. These women aren’t just here to stay, THEY ARE GETTING BETTER!!

Did the men walk away empty-handed? No, it’s not THAT bad. Bennie and Jay split the Low Gross Award. Jovi took home the Meltdown Award with a +6 and his second consecutive red key, and Ben demolished a birdhouse en route a Mediocre Award. (Note:  Ben’s award was jointly supported by meagles on the opening and closing holes, which sandwiched what can be generously described as “bad golf”).

These offenses against our male dominance demand punishment. I propose multiple solutions. One, start over-serving these two on the course. Karen’s kryptonite is Miller Lite; Lauren’s is a hot dog. Two, start over-serving ourselves on the course; the results literally cannot get worse. Three, sweep the leg. It almost worked against Daniel, and Mr. Miyagi isn’t around to save these two. Four, remember that while we may not be taking home title, trophies, and cash, at least our pants have normal-sized pockets...