Chapter News

Who Pooped the Cup?

[By: John Leite]

 

As many golf fans know, Phil Mickelson recently posted a video on his social media accounts telling the story of when the 6th hole at Muirfield Village here in Columbus, OH was filled with poo. Considering how large the Columbus MGA has grown I assumed that who ever took a dump in that cup is now a member of our chapter so I decided to do some investigating.

The first step in my investigation was to rule out the following suspects due to their physical inability to squat over a golf hole.

 Jeff Gilligan
 David Knowles
 Doug Short
 Dustin Schmidt
 Steve Sillato
 The Sutter Sisters
 All other old and obese members of the chapter that I do not yet know.

My next assumption was that maybe this was done by the chapter’s wild card, Josh Stephens. Josh is known for having no concept of acceptable social behavior so him dropping a deuce in a cup seemed plausible. I was able to rule him out though since I don’t recall anyone betting him that he would do it. For once his gambling addiction proved beneficial.

I then thought maybe this was done by former chapter member, Doug Murray. I quickly determined this was not his doing though since public defecation is not his preferred crime. Besides, he prefers to shit all over a different kind of cup - a Buckeye Cup.

Next my investigation moved to The Supreme Dick-Tator himself, Jason Strickland. It has been well established in previous articles that Jason likes to crap all over our chapter so I thought this might be our guy. After a few discussions though I learned Jason had an airtight alibi. In 2006 he was busy working for a local insurance company pinching loaves all over claimants and did not have time for these types of antics. With the suspect list dwindling rapidly I feared that we may never catch the phantom pooper.

After another swig of beer though I remembered in 2006 there was a former member living in Columbus that would absolutely excrete in a cup. Based on no evidence whatsoever I can confidently say that the phantom pooper was... Jeff Gilbert. Nowadays Gilbert is evacuating his bowels all over the Cincinnati chapter, and we are quite okay with that!

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Comments

I still think the author needs to share his alibi... He's been known to drop a loaf on a golf course and then send pictures of it to fellow chapter members...