Chapter News

From One Bastard to Another, and Another

BACK TO BACK, BACK TO BACKS - After CL Jstar won the big check at the '20 & '21 Am-Am's, Neil "007" Ashworth defends his title and wins The Bastards in '20 & '21, definitely a first in the iemga. 

MEDIOCRE MRAND SLAM - Brian "Dr. Bob" Lopez wins The Bastards Par 3 contest to complete an even more Mediocre version, of an already Mediocre version of the career Grand Slam.   



INLAND EMPIRE, CA- Bastards week kicked off per Mradition at Van Buren Golf Center in Riverside, Ca on Wednesday evening. Some may say the meager amount of 9 Medios hardly makes a tourney but we took the glass half full approach and highlighted that it still represemted a 50% increase in turnout from years past. Tough sell on a weeknight at a goat track but almost all in attendance had an absolute blast. I know I did. The IEMGA welcomed a New Medio, Adam "Big A" Bentz who shot Even Mar (bogey golf) on the 9 hole round, a perfectly fitting introduction to the chapter.  


With greens like fairways under repair, you had to be on like DK and puttin it pretty close to shoot a decent score, and two of our Medios were. Bear came in with an ear to ear grin, which has come to be expected with his kinda regular lowish scores and general jublilant attitude (well when the anger sharks aren't swimming, anyways...)  

"So who won?" a Medio stated... Bear emphatically slams the scorecard down on the open air bar, "Well, can anyone beat a 4 over?!"  with a smirk that assumed the answer before the question was ever asked. Sheepishly and with a definitive level of regret, knowing he had just finished in 2nd the tourney prior, his CL said, "Well actually... (Dr.) Bob here had a pretty good round also... almost aced the 9th, and shot 3 over...". With his iconic Frozen Bear Stare he stuttered, "Well... what about penalty strokes?" 

I responded something like, "I hadn't thought of counting them in, I don't think we ever had before for this, or maybe it's just that no one that had showed up previously ever even carried penalty strokes...Well, seems fair enough I guess... Dr. Bob how many strokes do you carry?"

"Plus Four" he replied.

"And you Bear?" 

"Uhhh... I carry plus three..." 

"Well, if we take +4 and +3 and divide them in half for 9 holes ... Congrats Bear... You Lost by a Half-a-Stroke instead of a full one..." 

Wah Wah Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...... Hahahahahaha, sorry buddy, nice effort.  

So by the time we got to the actual Bastards on Saturday all eyes were on Neil as defending champ, especially with Dr. Bob not in the field for the chance at an actual Mrand Slam. We had 25 Medios compete, One Medio Guest, CL of the South Bay MGA Sean Arnone, and six guests for a total turnout of 32 for the shotgun start. This represented our biggest field since the 2020 MGA Championship when we had 48 with the OCMGA, but we each only brought half that. So we would have to go back to '19 to find a field that big on our own and no matter how you spin it, it was a blast to be back in relative numbers. The weather was crawl into and be buried in type a day, low 70's with a mild breeze, and the course had recovered fairly well from the punched greens from a month ago. The stage was set for an epic round and it did not disappoint. Neither did Neil. His 86 (+2) secured the repeat and our aspiring super villan and reigning Mediocre Golfer of the Year has another notch in his belt this season, after also sharing the Am-Am two headed trophy. And yes he still only has Two Strokes. The CML is his to lose, or can someone actually come win it?!   

Another Medio who didn't disappoint was Devin Hundley.  Coming into The Bastards off of his somewhat hilarious last place finish at the Am-Am, another Medio we never thought would play from the Lady Tees did, and although he didn't win he still got solo 2nd, and won both Kinda Long Drive and Kinda Long Putt. He's got some making up to do on the CML but a Top 10 finish wouldn't surprise anyone as he already has two career wins and is always real close to holding it together. 9-2-4-3-7 isn't our area code, just a "normal" stretch on Devin's scorecard. Pretty relatable really.

Jeff "Wild Turkey" Olson is off to his hottest start to the year since '17, with two Top 5 finishes coming from his Best, and 2nd Best tournament scores ever. Will this finally be the year he gets his 1st W ? Best not talk about it until it happens, cause this pitcher will judo chop or wedge toss at anyone who whispers "no hitter". 

Rookie Medio Justin M. came in with an 83 to win Low Gross in his 1st tournament actually competing with us. He had guested a few times in years prior but as a full fledged Medio his +11 strokes net landed him in 5th, and promptly dropped his handicap to a +8.

In 6th was regular stick 2018 CML Champion Tommy Gun. Tommy actually had his WORST IEMGA TOURNAMENT ROUND EVER... WITH A 90!!! Bastard. He also won yet another Kinda Close to Pin.   

Sophmore Brian Maronde had his highest finish ever grabbing solo 7th with his 99, and also won a Cross Creek Hat for Stat of the Tournament, as he was our ONLY MEDIO to ONLY LOSE ONE BALL. 

Rookie Medio Scott Rau on the other hand, lost the most amount of balls, a number in the double-digits, and won the Red Key in his 1st tournament in the iemga. Although he put up a real big number, it still wasn't the chapter futility record, and he walked away with a dozen cheap orange balls that almost replaced the ones he lost.   

So might wanna sit down for this one... Now for the DQ ... Full Disclosure, I Made an Honest Mistake, and am fully willing to pay for it... 

CL Jstar, yours truly, played an awesome round at The Bastards even though it didn't start out or end that way. On our 1st tee (Hole 16) I stepped up to hit the 1st tee shot of the day with seven Medios as audience, and took a full smooth swing from the 600 yard longer Blue Tees and just barely clipped the teed ball on the inside of my club and watched it roll off of the tee toward me by maybe a foot. I definitely heard, "I didn't see anything" and "Just tee it up again" but I knew I intentionally tried to hit it, and just switched to a 5wood and hit it off the deck for my 2nd shot. I own my shit. 

Fast Forward, I'm kickin ass, with something like 6 Mirdies in 9 holes and I come in at 40 on the Traditional front. With a tough start on the back already on the card, even after another Mirdie on 10 I knew I was a prime meltdown candidate given the typical Garbage-Amazing-Garbage Trajectory of many of my rounds. Sure enough after hooking a 6iron into the hazard I card a triple and am well on my way.

As we hit our 18th, I snap hooked my ball off the tee into a drainage ditch. We get over there it's heavily leafed, and with a mighty swing I blasted out all of 5 yards to behind a tree. Several whacks later I'm out of the thick stuff and scorching an iron to somehwere up a long pitch away from the green. From there I recall over the green to back fringe and a two putt for a snowman 8. That's what I carded.

Well, we caught my Meltdown (which I won with a 10 stroke swing) on video, and 5 days later when the video was posted, an astute viewer called into question my score on the hole, knowing I told him I carded an 8, and how he counted 5 strokes in the garbage. Not thinking anything of it prior, I rewatched the video, recalled what I could from before and after, and sure enough I should have Carded a 9 and not an 8. Upon this realization I felt the Right Thing to do, the Only Thing anybody with even a shred of dignity would do, was to DQ myself for an incorrect scorecard. So my 90 (+3) T-4th from the Blues is no more, and with a HULKSTER like HEEL TURN, Chris "Tiger" Garcia has Solo 4th to his self. He's always wanted to make his mark at The Bastards, well now he has. I curse you to never win this tournament. There was a picture of us taken together at the awards ceremony for tying, but it has yet to surface and I doubt you can see the knife he put in my back in it anyways. 

Chris has yet to miss a tournament in our history but I have a feeling he's gonna have a long way to travel to the next one from the special place in Hell he now belongs for calling in a viewer penalty. This is the same Medio who has countless times expressed hesitation about calling out discrepencies in the group on the course. I understand the thought that it just makes it awkward. But you know what else is awkward is your CL getting DQ'd because no one called him out as everyone watched and filmed the whole thing. I was obviously swimming laps in my own head trying to grin through the disappointment, most of us have been there. I'm not immune. But it would have been less awkward for someone to say dude, you missed a stroke, and fix it on the spot. I did it just a few holes prior to South Bay CL Sean Arnone and his score wasn't even being recorded. Does that make me a Dick? Ya maybe a lil, if you please, but there was no love lost over it. I've had multiple Medios over the years come to me in private and say oh so and so is a cheater, or I don't think they counted all of their strokes... CALL THEM OUT ON THE SPOT !!! The Official MGA Policy is Call them out until they either stop cheating, or stop coming... either way is a positive result. 

So SELF DQ for me, and I will also join Neil on the Blue Tees at The MGA Championship vs OCMGA, as this round goes technically unrecorded. No one else is to blame for my inability to record an accurate score, not my foursome, not Chris, just Me.  I've said loudly and proudly my goal this season was to care less about my score and just have a good time regardless and I've certainly done that... I guess just maybe I should go back to caring at least a little bit more to not end up here again. Cheers y'all, see ya soon.       


Event Results

1.Neil Ashworth88$1.26
2.Devin Hundley90$0.84
3.Jeff Olson91$0.70
4.Christopher Garcia93$0.63
5.Justin Mallinckrodt94$0.56
6.Tommy Cochran98$0.49
7.Brian Maronde99$0.42
8.Tim Minamyer100$0.35
9.Eric Matteson101$0.25
9.John Dapsis 101$0.25
11.Paul Estrada 102$0.14
12.Mike Archer105$0.07
13.Steve Woodland106$0.06
13.Robert Smith106$0.06
15.Markus Doll107$0.04
16.Gilbert Tiedt108$0.02
16.Andrew Dominici108$0.02
18.Tyler Vickers109$0.00
19.Pete Garcia 110$0.00
20.Brian Carson112$0.00
20.Kevin Martin112$0.00
22.Chris Kerpan 116$0.00
23.Richard Dunham132$0.00
24.Scott Rau146$0.00
25.Josh OlsonDNF$0.00