How Many Clubs You Carrying: 2018 FU Open Winner Stacey Ward

When did you first start playing golf?

Is this being recorded?  When I was about five years old my old man figured it was a way for us to bond so he bought me my first set of clubs and to be a golfer back that meant you were a gigantic nerd so about once a month I would be a gigantic nerd. White tasseled shoes with the real spikes and all.

You’ve been an MGA chapter leader for many years. Why? I mean, why man?!

I’m divorced man! Plus my work schedule, plus I got sick of losing to people with zero strokes every week and my competitive asshole took over so I decided, one; the only way I could play all the time was to become the president and break off from the San Francisco chapter. Two; being president, the fun of hosting and watching other medios succeed and fail far outweighs my inability to win tournaments over the last seven years because I’m that good and penalty strokes are just that difficult to overcome.

You recently battled with yet another bout of your famous shanks. 72 one day. 112 the next. In this instance, how did you successfully remove your head from your butthole?

To reiterate my first answer that I’ve been playing this game since I was five years old it is never too late to take lessons and to admit that you suck at something and you’re not the best judge of your own character. So I swallowed my big gigantic hateful bowl of pride and I sought professional help,  psychologically, and with the big ol’ swing over the top: don’t come in so I thought, you knew forward hit the ball off the hostel problem that I was having for well over about a year and a half chicken feet. (SIRI translated)

You really shanked the last part of that answer, but thank you.  Stacey what’s the best part of your game? Other than arrogance?

I’m gonna have to do you one better Bully.  Putting: it’s always been my strong point: I am the guy who goes last in the scramble tournament.  See the putt once, make the putt. I am the rock when everybody else is the crashing waves.  Until I basically suck at putting. If you know anyone looking for an Odyssey putter right now? It was also my ability to recover from under the trees that really set me apart. However, golf is a very dynamic, fluid activity.  One day you could chip like Phil and drive like Tiger, the next day you drive like Phil and chip like Tiger. You never know what you’re going to get but I’ve always been able to rest my hand on my ability to make the old putt whenever I needed to, until right now.

Okay there Hemmingway.  What’s the worst?

My arrogance fucks with my head so bad because I feel like I should always play in the 70s.  Who shouldn’t play in the 70s right?  Not including all you mediocre guys. I mean real golfers; so whenever I shoot 104 I want to take my golf clubs and shove them down my fucking throat and sell everything, and, you know, burn the course to the ground. So I would say mentally that’s my weak link in the golfing world.


Best Belgian Action Star Jean Claude Van Damme film you’ve ever seen? There is a wrong answer. Btw.

Well the wrong answer cannot be Fight Club because as far as I’m concerned that’s the only Jean-Claude Van Damme movie ever made. I don’t know any other Jean-Claude movies something like Blood Fight, or Fight Sport, or Street Fighter, or he’s in a new movie I think, “Being Jean-Claude Van Damme”, or some shit like that anyway?  If it’s not the committee I don’t know what it is.

Fight Club?  That’s wrong Stacey.  He wasn’t anywhere near that Brad Pitt masterpiece.  I cannot believe you are raising children.  The answer was Kickboxer.  Did you know JCVD’s favorite foods are waffles and fries?  No, you didn’t, did you.  Let’s move on.

So what’s in the bag man? What and why?

I have some tailor-made rocket blades that when I bought them on the cheap they had the world’s fattest handles and unbeknownst to me the nine iron was actually longer than the four iron which I found out later when I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t hit them, although I bought them.  After trying four or five different wedges I re-purchased Cleveland’s thanks to Kevin Fallehy, Odyssey putter I’m trying desperately to get rid of, and I have a Titleist hybrid and driver. If it's cheap and used, I'll try it.

Can you describe your keys to victory in this years FU open, a tournament in which you played from the children’s tees?  And might I add still beat yours truly in a very short playoff.  Just like every tee shot you had that day, from the children’s tees.

Well that right there was an advantage as it’s been known I did not have my six iron. Those darn kids! But you don’t need it when every hole is about 245 yards right?  Driver, chip, driver, chip, driver, punch out of the trees, chip. So it was just my steady hand in there I guess. If I could putt I was DQ bound for sure. However, the props go to my cart partner Tod “Handsome Toddler” Alsman.  Watching him blowup really steadied my personal ship, and he’s quite handsome to look at so that kind takes your mind off of what you’re doing when you’re looking at that handsome man in ridiculous clothing; it always helps me.  If you look at my history I always place well in Douche Bag Invitationals and FU Opens because the dumber I look the better I usually play. It’s all about distraction.

So you and I lived together once, and you just beat me in playoff, after qualifying for said playoff from the childrens tees.  How did that feel? Both questions.

Shit partner, it felt better to beat you after watching you win all the fucking time. It was getting kind of annoying.  So I feel good about both the living situation, that was fun, and the beating your ass situation because those are very few far between.

What’s your favorite/most mediocre MGA memory?

Specifically it was a Douche Bag Invitational when I was wearing some kind of a dick logoed t-shirt.  It was ridiculous, I was ridiculous. However, I shot a 75 that day, I was in my element, I was drunk. I was guaranteed to win the low gross and this was back when we were all still in San Francisco. Lo and behold we do the awards, I'm waiting for my name to get called, and some guy I never met shoots a 71.  Little did we know he only used five golf clubs to do it? It doesn’t make sense, but it turns out he was a nationwide tour player who happened to caddy for kid Kent Jamison that day as the whole Tiger Woods, Stevie Williams act. Great Douchebag outfits by the way. However, at the time it took my highest high and burned that mother down.

Sorry for making this such a long answer but this is the Mediocre Golf Association, the moments are perpetual.  Another year I was two over through 13 holes, two over! Bourbon Keith Calcium and I were playing out of our minds, we were in the same group and both two over going to the 14th hole at Metropolitan Golf Links. I proceeded to shoot four straight golf balls in the creek and take a 14 on the hole to ruin everything and meltdown my way to a solid 6^th place or something.  Needless to say, that one still stands out, and everytime we play there I'm reminded of it. Literally everyone tells me, "remember when you took a 14 on this hole."

- RAPID FIRE ROUND OF QUESTIONS, FIRST WORD OUT OF YOUR MOUTH -

What’s your favorite curse word?

Fuck

What’s your least favorite word?

I have no idea

What sound or noise do you hate?

The fucking claws on the chalkboard or, women that sound like claws on the chalkboard, you know?

No I don't Stacey

What sound or noise do you love?

Doug Griswold’s grunt when he’s hitting a golf ball: check out the Oakland MGA Instagram video if you haven’t seen it. It’s like Martina Hingis or Sharapova, or Venus. Very powerful!

What turns you on?

Turning over a seven iron into a strong breeze at about 195 yards out

What turns you off?

Hozel shanks and unpleasantly smelly women

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the pearly gates?  

You weren’t really that much of a fuck up. You had your moments. You actually did OK in life as much as some people would like to say otherwise.

Deep shit there Stacey, thanks for ending this on such a profound note.  You are a legend in the MGA and sort of a gift to the world of golf.  Thanks for your time.  Now go buy me a beer.